January 1
The New Year begins. First order of business: open the diary and vigorously scratch out all those phone numbers from whom money was borrowed—or to whom repayment had been promised.
To maintain cordial relations with the butcher, the grocer, and the vegetable vendor, one pine nut each shall be wrapped in silver foil, their names written on top with a thick marker (preferably one with a broken tip), and delivered to their shops tomorrow. The sheer value of this precious gift will surely overwhelm them and persuade them to provide me groceries free of interruption throughout the year.
This year too, Ramadan will fall in winter. Therefore, the long-standing tradition of breaking fast at the mosque—while simultaneously collecting dates and shoes—will be continued with full enthusiasm. These dates will later be sold in the wholesale market when prices peak, yielding handsome profits.
March 1
It is rumored that Phattu the sweeper installed new manhole covers yesterday—visually appealing and impressively heavy. If sold to a scrap dealer completely devoid of the fear of God, their iron alone could fund the entire year without the inconvenience of borrowing.
Winter nights are long for a reason: tasks that cannot be accomplished in daylight are meant to be completed under the cover of darkness. Hence, winter provides ideal conditions for manhole-cover relocation.
One must, however, remain alert. Troublemakers have started installing cameras on rooftops, making survival difficult for decent citizens like us. Extreme caution is advised. Masks must be worn during operations. If unavailable, a colorful plastic shopping bag may suffice—but remember to punch two holes for airflow. Otherwise, suffocation may occur, leading to death, which would qualify as suicide, and suicide, after all, is strictly forbidden.
June 30
Half the year has passed, and according to the audit report, earnings have fallen short of expectations. As predicted, both neighborhood mosques were supposed to host thirty days of free iftar. However, either the wealthy have forgotten how to die, or fear of God has evaporated—because only a few iftar gatherings were arranged, and the rest of the fasting had to be broken at home, at personal expense.
If this continues, survival in this neighborhood will become difficult. Therefore, either a “Fear of the Hereafter” awareness movement should be launched under the banner of charity motivation, or a mosque must be located where free food is available year-round. A strategic disagreement with the mosque cleric over the donation box can then be engineered, allowing prayers—and meals—to be offered there regularly.
July 1
The new financial year begins. A survey is required to determine whether any new beggars, zakat consumers, donation thieves, or chronic debt-dodgers have entered the city, potentially creating unhealthy competition for my business.
This year, a new X-ray shall be introduced for zakat collection—of the heart, not the arm. Society is already wounded enough; displaying a broken heart will surely soften hearts, prompting generous donations in abundance.
Previous experiments with arm X-rays were disappointing and yielded limited zakat. Therefore, close coordination with the doctor is essential. His asking price shall be paid on the spot so that a perfectly healthy heart may be X-rayed to look convincingly shattered. Any negligence in this matter will be strictly unacceptable.
December 31
The journey that began on January 1 with a single pine nut now reaches its conclusion. However, serious questions demand answers: despite consuming a perfectly intact pine nut, why did the butcher avert his eyes? And how did the vegetable vendor end up receiving a rotten one?
Equally concerning are the hostile forces that succeeded in shutting down my mosque-based free meals by declaring me a “habitual parasite.”
It is also worth investigating why the manhole-cover mission—carried out with such determination and discipline—failed to deliver expected results, forcing an early retreat underground. A deeper inquiry strongly suggests the involvement of Phattu the sweeper, who likely acted as an informant, exposed the entire “Cover Lost” operation, and collected a municipal reward.
The heart-X-ray zakat mission proved extremely successful. Encouraged by this triumph, the same strategy shall be repeated next year—though with new targets. Recycling last year’s donors could result not in charity, but in a guided tour of the local jail.
With the same passion, resolve, and enthusiasm with which the previous year began, the New Year shall be welcomed once again.
Mission Ramadan and Mission Zakat will continue unabated.
May prosperity keep coming—and poverty keep leaving.
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